Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Miss Independent

I know that I'm weird. But I feel like my view on dating and love is REALLY weird. I mean, I definitely don't know any other girl who feels the same way I do about it.

I look around and see so many girls who are out doing the dating scene, trying out different guys and throwing them away if they don't like them. And it just seems insane to me!

I don't know. This is how I see it: I can tell whether I like a guy few minutes of conversing with him. Not only can I tell if I like him, but I can't tell whether I would ever want to have a serious relationship with him. So why would I need to go out to dinner with him a like ten times and exchange the rote list of questions and feign interest, only to come to the same conclusion afterward? I mean I guess getting a few free meals is cool. But really? That just seems like SUCH a waste of time to me.

I mean I'm definitely not one of those crazy "If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it" kind of girls. I don't need a guy to say, "I have serious intentions for this relationship that will probably end up in marriage." I don't need that at all...that would really freak me out, actually. All I'm saying is that you're going to get married later on, right (Well, most people. Some people don't want that, and that's cool too)? Well...if you can't potentially see yourself being with the person you're with for the rest of your life, what's the point? You're together until you get sick of each other? Or until it gets too serious for comfort?

I mean, I get it in High School. High School relationships are overly idealistic, fairy lalaland relationships where reality doesn't exist. But once you're in your 20's, it's totally different.

I fear that I'm becoming (or at least coming off as) a crazy feminist, man hater. But it's just that I have SO much stuff that I want to do. And I can't imagine wasting even one of those moments on a guy who is just a mediocre, flavor of the week...or even a not so mediocre flavor of the week.

It's funny, realizing how much my view on love and relationships has changed just in the past year. I was pretty much in a relationship constantly all throughout High School and even after I left High School. And at first when I became single after that, it scared me. I saw that I needed to be needed and I needed that attention and how unhealthy that was. That made me realize how much I really did just need to be on my own and deal with my own insecurities and issues. I had been trying to find myself and define who I was through the guys I dated all those years. But really, I had no idea who I was.

These past few months of being single and on my own have been some of the happiest months of my life. I am working so much, making new friends, doing things I love and definitely doing a great deal of growing up.

The strange thing is that I am an extremely selfish person, I'll be the first to admit it. I LOVE being by myself. I'm very much a hermit. I love being alone with my own thoughts. I call it only child/Capricorn/loner syndrome. It's just how I roll. So, really, it makes no sense that I was in relationships for such a long period of time, giving so much to someone else and sharing so much with someone else. But i guess it was kind of selfish because getting that attention back made me happy.

Maybe it's because I'm finally on my own, or maybe it's this new taste of freedom, but I seriously cannot even conceive myself being in another relationship right now, in the near future....or even in the distant future, for that matter.

It just seems like the most preposterous thing in the world to me. "What? Make time for someone else? Take time out of MY schedule to do stuff with some guy? Yeah...No, thanks."

Even if the most incredible guy on planet Earth (a god in mortal Ryan Gosling) materialized in front of me, I would tell him to step aside so I could go on my merry way....I'm not crazy, I swear...Ok, maybe a little.

But hear me out.

I believe that who you date is a reflection of yourself. Looking back at my past relationships, I can see from the guys I was with that I was extremely naive and insecure with myself. I'm not saying I'm Ms. Perfect and totally secure and wise, now. Because I'm not. Quite the opposite. I know I have a LONG way to go.

That is the other reason why I feel that I'm not motivated to find a guy to date. I feel that the kinds of guys I would attract now would be good...but not GREAT--kind of how I feel I am currently. Like a work in progress.

I already have my dream guy in my head. And he is basically a male version of my dream version of me, which is pretty kick ass, if I do say so myself. And I know that as soon as I become the best version of me that I can be, I will finally find my perfect guy.

But when I have that incredible man in my head and know that somewhere down the road, he'll be mine, every other guy that I meet just seems like a giant nincompoop and a total letdown.

I'm kind of scared that I am almost being TOO independent...too opposed to love and relationships. I know that relationships are both important and necessary for our personal growth and development. But honestly, I feel that I am doing more growing just on my own. And I just cannot justify investing my valuable time and energy on some guy who I may or may not have a most likely short, pointless relationship with.

I am here to live my dream and become the best person that I can be. I definitely want to have some fun along the way, but I'll do that on my own until I find my perfect guy.

And for all you independent women out there, here's a golden anthem for you :) Hellz yes, I'm still listening to this in 2011. This one's a classic.

1 comment:

  1. i feel that you just haven't met any guy that is really amazing in the way that you want a guy to be. but dont become bitter or opposed to relationships. if you are so closed off to being with someone, it's never going to happen.