Baby In A Corner

I am nineteen.

I am nineTEEN. Yes, still a teenager technically. Up until this point, I've viewed it as a blessing, feeling thankful that I still have so many years ahead of me to accomplish all that I want to do still.

But recently, it has felt more like a burden, a curse and a massive imposition on my life.

I might be in a nineteen year old body, but I do not feel nineteen in spirit. I'm not trying to come off as haughty or conceited when I say this, but I feel like I am a lot different than most nineteen year old girls. I know I have a lot of growing left to do and a lot left to learn. But on the whole, I feel like I have my life pretty well together. And I feel like I am pretty mature for my age.

For that reason, I find myself constantly becoming attracted to men who are much older than me. I'm not talking about like one or two years older...more like six or seven.

I have TRIED talking to guys my own age. But honestly, they have all turned out to be total nincompoop boneheads (sorry for being so harsh. Some of you aren't THAT bad, just not my cup o' tea). Really, though, I would rather have a conversation with a wall than converse with most guys my age.

Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong place? I mean there has got to be SOME guys my age who do not have a bowl of lucky charms for brains. But where are they?? Is there like a Galt's Gulch filled with all the amazing guys in some obscure state in middle America? A hidden valley of stupendous men? I can only hope...Then at least I would have some hope for the men of my generation.

Boys my age have a certain je ne sais quoi...and not in a good way. Where I feel that if I were to say, "boobies" they would erupt in to an epic fit of laughter while repeating the word breathlessly in between guffaws. And where I'm expecting, "I am McLovin'" to come out of their mouths at any moment.

It just seems that older guys (MOST, not all. There are some tragic exceptions to this) have gotten past that stage. They no longer have the "Hump anything with a hole/have meaningless sex" mindset and are actually looking for a partner whose company they can enjoy.

They also have evolved from, "Let's go out and get wasted!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOO!!" to, "Let's go out for a few drinks and dinner."

They have had enough time to get their lives together and really develop themselves. Usually this results in an incredibly sexy confidence.

Every older guy who I have talked to recently has been a wonderful breath of fresh air. It's like, "FINALLY, a guy I can have an intelligent conversation with! He actually understands what I'm saying! And...oh my...is this witty banter that we are taking part in? Why, yes, it is!"

But the whole time I'm thinking, "What an amazing guy I'm talking to!", they're probably thinking, "I wonder how long this tiny, toddler girl is going to keep talking to me..."

I know that the whole twenty-one/drinking thing isn't a HUGE deal. Like I am not someone who is counting down the days until I can finally drink. But you do have to admit that you are not really recognized as an adult until you're twenty-one. When you turn twenty-one, you have a whole new world opened up to you! So it kind of is a big deal. And because of that, I'm feeling very...non-adultish because of my age.

Some of m friends have spilled the whole, "Age is just a number" shpeel to me. And I do believe that is very true in many cases, but I don't really feel it is in mine. I think it would be totally different if I was twenty-one and the guy was like twenty-nine or thirty because then at least I would be a full fledged adult and could go basically anywhere.

But then at the same time I do believe that if you really do love someone, it wouldn't matter if they couldn't go out to a bar with you. It would be inconvenient, but not a deal breaker. I just know I would feel awful and burdensome for putting someone in that position. I would feel like they were having to compromise themselves and their wants for me.

I don't know. maybe I am just making this a WAY bigger deal than it really is. I wouldn't be surprised because I am incredibly good and doing that. But it's something that's on my mind and bugging me at the moment.

I really don't have any time to even be thinking about a boyfriend or lover or whatever right now. And the universe is making that very clear to me. I get it, ok? But seriously. In the words of Dr. Evil, "Throw me a friggin bone here." Don't be flaunting incredible older guys in front of me when I should be avoiding the opposite sex completely.

I guess I'll just be single until I'm around twenty-five. Because now that I have met some incredible older guys, I canNOT lower my standards even the slightest and allow myself to be with a guy any less of a caliber than they are. I deserve that, especially after the guys that I've been with before. So I will wait however long it takes for a mature, intelligent, charming, compassionate guy to come my way. If there is one of those out there now who is my age...feel free to show up on my doorstep at any time :)



I thought this was a fitting song for the end of this post.

P.S. Just realized how horrendously cheesy this music video is. I am dying.